- a goodbye and more.
hey there x,
Happy love month. I hope February is being kind to you in more ways than you imagine. If it isn’t, i’m sending you a truckload of love and affection.
For most part of my life, I chased empty goals. I knew they were empty because once I achieved them and the one time excitement wears off, I don’t feel any different. I also realised that a lot of the things I achieved in my 4 year career life, were done from a place of wanting to prove my worth. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for all those things [majority of which I barely remember] but I wish I did them because I believed I could, not because I wanted to impress/ get accolade. [disclaimer — this is strictly work related not personal].
not honestly sure if that makes sense but welcome to my thoughts.
I’ve had life changing experiences in the last months, but shame won’t let me share them. Major one being, i’m back to being a student — lol wasn’t really my wish but it happened. Still trying to get a hang of it though. To do that, I had to quit my full time job and become a full-time freelancer. Not the career step I had hoped for but yeah…
I shared something on Instagram months ago, it reads; -
…no one ever prepares you for dealing with your failures from the past.
Closing a phase you failed woefully at and having reopen it to deal with it is painful and can feel unnecessary.
Acknowledging how much effort you’ve channelled into succeeding in other aspects of your life, you ask, why do I have to reopen that chapter?
I’m asking that question too.
The anxiety, fear and feeling of unworthiness. The constant reminder that you could have done it when it seemed easier and fit into society’s standard of perfect timing.
Everyone and everything has moved on. and here you are, looking lost. Trying to rewrite the chapter and accept what it is. The regret. Yooooo, like how did I fail at this? Whyyyyy? Hoowwwww?
However, acceptance is the first stage. Then remind yourself, how badass you are.
Look at your achievements then set your mind towards rewriting that chapter in grand style.
I know you can. I know you will.
I’m taking a break / retiring as I mentioned to become a full-time student. I’m better than this space i’m at and need to figure how to rise above this. lol.
I’m retiring my oldself. The one that’s always drowning in shame and fear. I am retiring to become a better best version of myself.
Thank you for reading this. I don’t take your love for granted.
On days, you remember me, drop a love note. Makes me grin hard on bad days.
btw — i met someone…. that’s just part of the many things we’d talk about whenever we talk .
love x light.
